Quiet Confidence

Tonight I made dinner for BML and the babes while watching them hunt for bugs in the backyard and then took off for the bookstore and some alone time.  I forget often my need to be alone, for quiet.  My life is so noisy these days, a noise that I can't and won't change, the squeal of laughter followed by screams of pain as playtime turns into bite time, but I forget that I need to hear the quiet voice inside my head.  The only place I could think of to go and spend too much money on a cup of coffee and sit and read and write and think was the bookstore.  I found myself wandering with a hot cup running my hands over all of the new books, watching the people and conversations they were having, spending too long in the toy section wondering what the kids would enjoy the most, and then I realized how diligent you really do have to be to be alone.  I found a spot in the crowded cafe....next time I will be on the lookout for a less popular hangout - though I loved being surrounded by the books - and just started writing.  Writing and praying to be inspired. For my soul to awaken with curiosity and a driven desire to do what my God is requiring of me, for the confidence to believe in myself and the desire in my heart, for the courage to not sell myself short or downplay my abilities or offerings.

Backtrack.  On the way to the bookstore I downloaded the newest podcast of This American Life ( i think it was a rerun from 10 years ago) called Notes on Camp.  Both my mom and husband listen to this podcast regularly and both sent me a note to tell me how much I needed to listen.  I loved it.  Anyone who has ever gone to camp should listen, it speaks the truth.  There is no place on Earth like camp.  At camp, I felt like myself all the time.  Free, thoughtful, adventurous, quiet and soft spoken, loud and extroverted, it was wonderful all of the time.  I find myself often wanting to go back to that place, wanting that for my kids.  And so part of my prayer at the bookstore was that there would be an opportunity that would open for me to give back to camp, to be involved again, to stir up the adventure that was always in store at camp.  It always seemed to me that God was bigger there in the wide open air, in the wet grass, those damp cabins, the deafening waterfall - I want to find that place again.  It's quiet there.

I prayed, and wrote, and I don't find myself to be a great pray-er so I'm glad I brought The Book of Common Prayer (growing up Episcopalian suits me) and found myself pouring over the prayers all laid out for you in the back of the book.

For Quiet Confidence:
O God of peace, who hast taught us that in returning and rest we shall be saved, in quietness and in confidence shall be our strength: By the might of the Spirit lift us, we pray thee, to thy presence, where we may be still and know that thou art God; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

Maybe for now, I can't live in the mountains of Tuxedo, NC, and I'm not nine anymore.  But I can still make time to return to the quiet and rest, and be revived, and find the joy in my common life. "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him." Psalm 62:5.

For Parents:
Almighty God, giver of life and love, bless these parents.  Grant them wisdom and devotion in the ordering of their common life, that each may be to the other a strength in need, a counselor in perplexity, a comfort in sorrow, and a companion in joy.  And so knit their wills together in your will and their spirits in your spirit, that they may live together in love and peace all the days of their life; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

My sister had a meeting yesterday with an old/new friend, who is the parent of one of my old campers years and years ago.  I met her when she was nine and homesick...I hear she's addicted to camp now too, it has this way of sticking to your soul.  Something will come of this, somehow I will find a way to mesh my desire for community in camp, for quietness and rest, and the joyful noise in my home.  I welcome prayers & ideas & encouragement.  Also, mom, as a side note, I think I'll reach for the Book of Common Prayer more often.  Or plaster the prayers all over our home.  Last one.

For the Good Use of Leisure:
Oh God, in the course of this busy life, give us times of refreshment and peach, and grant that we may so use our leisure to rebuild our bodies and renew our minds, that our spirits may be opened to the goodness of your creation; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

Some of my goals after tonight are to go to the woods - or something that can remind me of that space I cherished, to be quiet.  To get in touch with old friends for ideas on how to get involved in camp given my limited time and resources.  Listen to MY music, Bonnie Raitt, Eva Cassidy, Patty Griffin and less kids music (though I am enjoying the Kingdom Rock VBS songs that P makes me play over and over again.)  Read more, watch less T.V.  Stop reading if I am not enjoying a book.  Take time for me - intentional time for me.

All in all, it was a good night.  I feel rejuvenated to tackle tomorrow.  I'll let you know how the camp things turns out.  And while my kids are a huge part of my life, they shouldn't consume my whole life...so there are no updates or pictures here :) Next time.